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Published on November 29th, 2013 | by Richard Black

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A Remarkably Pleasant Thanksgiving, a High School Reunion and Thoughts on Polyamory

I thought that this week would provide a lot of fodder for this post. Celebrating Thanksgiving usually does but this year was different. Despite hosting five adults and one toddler in a home the size of a postage stamp with one bathroom everything went surprisingly well.

Neither my wife nor I threatened each other with divorce. We didn’t even raise our voices at one another which has been a hallmark of most events over the past few years. The turkey was moist, the sides were plentiful, the alcohol was abundant and most of our disagreements were kept to a dull roar.

It was really quite lovely.

The Friday following Thanksgiving I took part in my 20 year high school reunion and, again, there wasn’t much to bitch about. In years past I’ve attended reunions with a morbid sort of curiosity to see who has passed. Call me shallow but outliving some of the people I’ve known has always given me a certain sense of accomplishment.

In the past, after tallying up the dead, fat and divorced in these sorts of events, I’ve also taken some pleasure in making certain people remarkably uncomfortable. This group usually consists of girls, now women, who wouldn’t give me the time of day 20 years ago. Most of them don’t remember me and there’s no reason they should.

I only attended my most recent alma mater for one year after a bit of unpleasantness that involved the expulsion of my oldest brother and myself from another institution but that is another story.

Unfortunately at the 20 year no one gave me the opportunity to let loose with a bit of passive aggressive vitriol like “I didn’t know they made shoes so lovely in a size that big” or “you look great. Gastric bypass has done so much good for so many people”.

Everyone was remarkably polite and thin and most of them even had a full head of hair.

I caught up with a buddy I hadn’t seen in twenty years, a girl I’d oggled in a class way back when told me she always thought I was hot before she threw up in a corner and more than a few people told me (in secret) that they were in polyamorous relationships.

I’m into monogamy myself. Sex these days seems like a lot of work and I have enough trouble with one partner. Still all of the men, they were all men, who confided in me seemed to be remarkably pleased with their arrangement and I really do hope that it all works out.

In my past experience, having known more than a few swingers and couples in similar situations, I’ve never seen it end well. It’s all fun and games until someone’s partner decides that she’s a lesbian or you end up with a virulent case of herpes from the guy who just left with your wife to live somewhere in Florida.

These things happen. Marriage is tough and talk is cheap unless it involves a therapist.

My own thoughts on the subject have been that if you don’t feel like settling down and getting married then don’t. Love whom you love but trying to keep a spouse the first among equals just seems to be asking for trouble with an order of syphilis and discontent on the side.

Relationships are complex enough. Adding sex to the equation bumps up the level of complication up by an order of ten. The odds of it all ending poorly become exponential once a third or fourth of fifth is added into the equation no matter how hot it might be to see another woman’s face buried in your wife’s muff.

It’s a conventional view but if there are problems in the marital realm then conversation instead of fellatio may be in order, maybe even counseling. I’ve been on the wrong end of my share of relationships but at the end of the day I’ve always stuck by the motto “If you love something set it free…and if it doesn’t come back then hunt it down and kill it.”

This concludes my advice for the evening.


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