Holding Forth no image

Published on December 3rd, 2013 | by Richard Black

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Moving Blow Up Dolls, a Lamp, and My Next Felony

Last weekend I was helping a buddy clear out his basement and move various non essential items into a storage locker. Most of it wasn’t all that heavy, a fact I appreciate so much more as I get older. There were a few boxes of books, a giant piece of playground equipment and more than a few blow up dolls which was nice as they didn’t take up much weight or space once they were deflated.

As I carried a box of labeled “Winter Shoes” through the basement that I spied this little gem pictured below. Due to my limited abilities with a camera phone the…piece can’t be seen in its entirety but it is, in fact, a lamp.

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Why someone would chose to create a violation of this nature is beyond me. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure there’s a market for this sort of thing, one run by a lot of men in hooded robes with pentagrams who want to bring about the End of Days or dowdy frumpy old women who have the same goal.

Upon seeing this unholy creation I screamed. I’m not a proud man. I may have blacked out  when I looked into the beast’s sinister eyes and in retrospect I’m sure the words that came out of my mouth were something like “Holy shit burn it, burn it with fire,” before I threw a box full of shoes and assorted sexual aids at the abomination.

Once I’d calmed down and put a paper bag over the aforementioned atrocity I began to talk to my friend about what should be done with such a thing. He suggested making the monstrosity a “white elephant” gift for our close group of friends at Christmas.

I had another thought.

“Imagine this,” I said and asked him to close his eyes, “you wake up one morning ready to go to work. You’ve got a cup of coffee, you’re trying to slip out of the house without startling the children and, as you slip into your car, you see this fucker welded to the hood.”

We both had a good laugh but I saw him glance at me out of the corner of his eye to determine how devoted I was to welding a satanic poodle lamp to the hood of someone’s car. I’m certain that my friend’s initiative to clean out his garage and shelter his vehicles is peripheral to our conversation.

Still the idea is stuck in my head. It occurred to me that I know a guy who can lend me an arc welder and if he doesn’t I’m sure I’ve got a bottle of Liquid Nails lying around somewhere.

The only problem i have is finding an appropriate target for such a huge violation of property and soul. I suppose I shall have to be patient, like a Buddhist waiting for enlightenment, until the appropriate opportunity presents itself and I can weld a lamp to some asshole’s car.


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