Holding Forth no image

Published on January 13th, 2014 | by Richard Black


The Doldrums of Winter, Minor Epiphanies and Planning for a New Year

Over the past few weeks I’ve had a number of minor epiphanies.

Now before anyone gets excited I haven’t proven the existence of God or discovered the ingredients to the Colonel’s secret recipe. My understanding of the universe is not that complete at the particular reality and juncture in the space time continuum.

I have however discovered that I am not a fan of winter in both temperament and with regard to my wardrobe.

For starters it turns out that I don’t look all that good in cool shades; blues, the lighter purples and most whites tend to wash out my delicate complexion. It is yet another blow I’ll have to contend with until spring, another reason to dislike winter and an opportunity to harp on my wife to make more money so that i can find a color pallet that suits me.

And that’s that least of my problems.

I’m usually able to plug through the Holidays fairly well given the number of things to do in December. Negotiating with the parentals about who will host Christmas Eve or Christmas Day while buying presents for anyone my wife has met in the past 20 years is a Herculean task and one I’d eagerly trade with anyone who is stuck in the envious position of cleaning out a few hundred miles of stables for incontinent horses

By the time I’ve hacked down the Christmas tree and decorated every flat space in my home with garland and lights and little porcelain figurines of snooty carolers who look like they’ve just witnessed a homeless guy taking a dump in town manger I haven’t had much time to focus on my numerous shortcomings and failures throughout the year.

Fortunately for hilarity time moves on.

Once Christmas/Chanukah /Kwanza and New Year’s Eve are over, and I’ve had the the opportunity to recover from the inevitable emotional damage that ensues during the holidays, I like to take the month of January think about how to better myself for the coming year before tail spinning into depression and going to ground like some sort of retarded groundhog dressed in flannel pajamas to wait for Spring.

I always start out with the best of intentions and even remain fairly optimistic through the pre-planning process of how to take the world by storm in the next year. Yes I can finally lose that 30 pounds of unwanted fat! I’m sure this particular penis pump will work (It’s backed by the government of Paraguay after all) Lot’s of men pushing 40 find their niche and lead useful and productive lives!

Unfortunately the act of planning for the next 365 or so days in the new year involves going over the past year which is usually the point at which I lunge for a bottle of antidepressants and a snifter of grain alcohol. There’s really nothing like reviewing an entire year worth of botched up clusterfucks to put a severe damper on one’s emotional health.

Perhaps, just perhaps, if the year ended in a more enjoyable month like May or June when the temperature didn’t hover below freezing and clouds were more inclined to skit across the sky in fluffy white drifts instead of hovering overhead in a great gray “Bleahhh” I’d be a different man with a full head of hair and an ass that just won’t quit.

That, however, is probably hoping for too much. I’ve made an inquiry into the matter with the proper authorities but until they get back to me I’m stuck with the Gregorian calendar, and nothing but a loving wife, my daughter’s adulation, a warm home, food and a penis the size of a baby’s arm.

And of course there is always my ass that isn’t quite ready to quit.

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