Child Rearin' no image

Published on January 21st, 2014 | by Richard Black

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Teaching a Toddler to Wipe, the Terrors of the Toilet and a Testament to Our Fortitude

Until recently I’d always labored under the misconception that once Darcy was able to use the toilet my time cleaning her genitalia would be at an end.

As with many other ideas and hopes I’ve had it turns out that I was wrong. In fact I’ve made things worse which isn’t all that unusual. Instead of “cleaning” my daughter from a more or less horizontal position when she was in diapers I’m faced with the task of wiping her nether regions in a vertical position and one that complicates things greatly.

I can safely say that I speak for all fathers that cleaning a load of repurposed blueberries, eggs and toast from a three year old’s vagina is about as uncomfortable as things can get.

There are at least, at least, 152 million other things I’d rather do, than…well that. Hitting myself in the balls with a hammer is one. Filming my mother in a threesome with Ron Jeremy and Rosanne Barr is another.

Unfortunately my mother is, for all practical purposes, celibate these days and my camera is on the fritz so I’m stuck with the task of ensuring my daughter had cleaned herself appropriately every four hours or so.

On a cursory look wiping one’s ass shouldn’t be that difficult . After a number of drinks however I’ve realized that my understanding of the matter is decidedly adult centric.

From a three year old’s perspective dropping a deuce must be incredibly daunting. Imagine balancing on the front of a toilet seat two times the width of your ass, tearing off the appropriate amount of toilet paper and then re-balancing with one hand while using the other to clean out your behind without plunging into a mess of your own feces and urine.

It’s really no wonder so many kids are terrified of the toilet and a testament to our way of life that we’re all not wearing diapers into our twenties.


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