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Published on January 28th, 2014 | by Richard Black


Chick-a-Zines and Why I Should Be the Next Dear Abbie

In my constant endeavor to educate myself about the fairer sex I decided to peruse a few of the wife’s magazines today.

Actually I didn’t. I’m lying. I’d rather massage bunions at a nursing home for twelve hours than read a magazine these days.

The truth of the matter is that Darcy was watching the Disney movie “Hercules” for the 148th time and I couldn’t bear another viewing. It was much to early to begin drinking and ,in an effort to do something other than hit myself in the temple a few times with a ball peen hammer I picked up the latest copy of Good House Keeping and Real Simple.

What I found was fascinating.

Judging from the ads and a few of the articles it appears as if vaginal dryness is a big concern these days. Who knew? All these years I thought it was my lack of innovation in the bedroom that resulted in that particular issue. Now that it turns out that this is a legitimate medical condition I’m relieved to know that the problem lies with so many disappointed women in my past and not myself.

Buoyed by this new found knowledge I flipped through pages about power bars, beauty products, vaginal suppositories, antidepressants, macular degeneration and other horrors of aging in the 21st century I found the advice section.

I love advice columns and I so, so wish, that I could answer mail in questions without any thought to legal concerns or liability.

For Cathy C. in Maryland who can’t get her son to stop texting I’d recommend wrapping her son’s phone in a ziplock bag and freezing it in a block of ice.

Mary M. in Philadelphia who discovered her pet sitter didn’t attend to her cat while she was on vacation should think about getting a dog. Cats are like cockroaches with fur. They do just fine by themselves when provided with a litter box and an open bag of cat food or a cadaver.

Susie from Minnesota who received a hideous looking serving plate from her in-laws clearly has issues with her husband’s family and should ask for cash during her next birthday to put down on a year’s worth of family counseling.

Now that i think about it I have clearly missed my calling. Anyone looking for a replacement for Dear Abbie?

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