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Published on March 6th, 2014 | by Richard Black

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Children’s Television and How to Maintain Sanity (or a Semblance Thereof)

Being a stay at home father I have ample opportunity to watch a lot of children’s television. It’s not easy but I do it for my daughter. In order to be certain that she isn’t behind other girls her age I try to make sure Darcy watches at least eight hours of television a day.

It’s old fashioned I know but if it can make my little girl a better person some day then I’m up for the sacrifice. I’ve seen the aftereffects wrought by other children who haven’t watched the recommended daily allowance of TV and the results are just catastrophic.

Hitler didn’t watch a day of TV in his life and look how he turned out.

As a consequence of this sacrifice I end up seeing a number of the same shows, the same episodes, over and over again until I’m about to have a psychotic break. In order to maintain my sanity or avoid taking a lethal dose of barbiturates I have taken to creating fictional biographies for some of the characters in my daughter’s favorite shows.

At some point I’ll probably be hosting a show on the subject, a cross between TMZ and the Onion, my agent is already speaking to Fox about a deal but I’d like to give you loyal readers a sneak preview of what is most certainly in store.

“Thank you for joining us tonight,” I’ll say somberly and dressed in a crushed velvet leisure suit,  “The date is Wednesday March 4, 2014. We begin our coverage today on a sad note with the death of Bridgit Mendler. After waging a lengthy battle against head lice and ear herpes Mendler finally succumbed to her condition at the age of 104.”

“Born in 1910 as poor black child in Arkansas Mendler grew up in poverty with 18 siblings most of whom were related to their great grandfather of Steve Martin.  As a young boy Mendler showed an aptitude for the learning and graduated summa cum laude from her fifth grade class at the age of 17 before embarking upon a career as a professional spoon player.”

“Los Angeles was a mecca for her chosen medium of expression but the end of the Roaring Twenties was not kind to Bridgit, then known as Brad Mendler. In order to cope with the rapid decline in demand for her particular talents Mendler lived paycheck to paycheck by selling risque self photos of himself in skirts that were cut above the knee.”

“During an iconic moment Mendler attracted the attention of Walt Disney in the 1950’s with a scantily and ill shaven leg. The rest is history.  For the next twentyyears Mendler played a significant part in almost every prominent Disney classic beginning with the voice of Captain Hook in the 1953 classic Peter Pan. Other roles included the voice of Old Yeller (1957)  The Tramp in Landy and the Tramp (1955) Cruella DeVille in 101 Dalmations (1961) the badger in The Boy Who Talked to Badgers (1975).”

“In order to broaden his role as a voice actor in the late 1970’s Mender underwent several procedures to become a woman, a man and then a woman again in order to take advantage of her/his unique vocal range. The plot backfired and Mendler was quickly abducted at a local opium den and cyrogenically frozen by Disney until  a later date at which Mender’s career could be salvaged.”

“In order to pay for the enormous debt she’d incurred huffing industrial solvents and her own cyro-therapy the Disney conglomerate harvested Mendler’s ovum and sold them on the black market.  She is presumed to be the mother of more than 109 children, most of Persian lineage, and none of whom posses an index finger on either hand.  ”

“The ghost of Micheal Eisner instructed the board of the company to bring Mendler back to life in 2007 to bulk up a lackluster Disney lineup and she is now best known for her voice as “Shrek” the beloved ogre.

“In addition to her hundreds of Persian children Mendler leaves behind four distraught widows, Miley Cyrus and her lover Nick Nolte.  Good night sweet princess.”

 

“That’s all the time we have tonight. Tomorrow we will continue with our coverage on the ‘scientific’ harvest of the Bubble Guppies by the Japanese whaling fleet. Gil Guppy we hardly knew ye.”


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