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Published on March 8th, 2014 | by Richard Black

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The Lost and Found, Rock Salt Displays and Reciprocal Beatings

I’ve been thinking about setting up a lost and found area for our house these days, nothing special mind you, just a box by the fridge and a piece of paper above it to detail various items the family has recovered or parted ways with.

In time it might involve a newsletter to keep my family up to date about our coming and goings. It’s always nice to put out something in print that someone might actually read but, in the meantime, I see the piece as something more simple and pragmatic. Here’s an example of what it might look like this week:

LOST: Half of one Crayola Crayon. Color Red. Answers to “Lollyfossa” If found please contact distraught three year old.

LOST: Short term memory. Last seen in 2009. Call father if found IMMEDIATELY.

LOST: Desire to shower regularly. Family requests that if found please return to Dad ASAP

LOST: 3064 hours of sleep. BIG $$$ if found. Contact father or have him hit by a car. COMA welcome.

LOST: Short term memory. Last seen in 2009. Call father if found IMMEDIATELY.

FOUND: One unflushed turd in toilet. IMPRESSIVE Size!!! Complete with half red crayon. Name unknown. Cannot return to owner. Please contact father to flush next time.

FOUND: Extra ten pounds during Academy Awards and subsequent ice storm. Owner: Father. If needed please inquire about a fat transfer.

FOUND: Rock salt display in coaster. Tastes DELICIOUS. If not claimed within three days will be donated to art museum under ANONYMOUS.

FOUND: One lump on daughter’s head. SPECIAL REWARD to provider of lump and parents in the form of a reciprocal BEATING and LAWSUIT!!!

FOUND: One fart in the tub. HILARIOUS. If found again please notify either father or mother for pictures.

LOST: Short term memory. Last seen in 2009. Call father if found IMMEDIATELY.

This concludes the weekly lost and found. Please stay tuned for further updates.


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