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Published on March 29th, 2014 | by Richard Black

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The Movie Frozen; An Amateur Interpretation and a Confusing Message for Children and the LGBT Community in 18th Century Europe

Like most parents with a young daughter I’ve had the pleasure of watching the Disney hit film “Frozen”. The movie was just released on DVD this past week and I conservatively estimate that I’ve seen the film 147 times.

For the three people who haven’t seen the movie I congratulate you on escaping this piece of mainstream culture and look forward to reading your rambling manifesto regarding the Jewish plot to mandate fluoridated drinking water in an attempt to give us all prostate cancer.

For the rest of us I will forgo a lengthy plot summary. Suffice it to say that Frozen is the time tested tale of girl meets girl, girl freezes other girl’s head, trolls wipe away injured girl’s memory, girl is locked up in a room…you know typical Disney fare.

Of course the tale is a little more complicated than that.

The two girls are sisters, the eldest has magical wintery powers, their parents die at sea and the youngest wants to marry a guy she just met which is understandable having been shut off from pretty much any human contact for fifteen years.  There’s also a mentally impaired snowman named Olaf with a death wish that I’d cheerfully push into a woodchipper. And a love interest that’s probably into humping his reindeer.

Anywho.

I watched the film the first fifty or so times and tried to think of a happy place. it didn’t work and in order to cope with the next twenty five viewings I ransacked our medicine cabinet until I found a bottle of muscle relaxers a bit past their prime. After a blackout and an intense period of vomiting I brought my considerable analytical capabilities to bear upon an analysis of the film

While I’m not a licensed psychiatrist I have dated my fair share of emotionally insecure shut ins with magical powers, an experience that has caused me to be something of an expert in this particular field.

And so, under the influence of an ancient bottle of muscle relaxers while the chorus for “Love is an Open Door” rattled around my brain as I watched the movie Frozen for the 108th time I came to a few conclusions about the movie “Frozen”.

The first is that Disney has a pathological fascination with killing off family members and abandoning small children. This minor epiphany prompted me to call DCS in Los Angeles and, for the record, I have yet to hear back from them.

Secondly, and still under the influence of a finely aged bottle of muscle relaxants, it occurred to me that Elsa’s powers are a metaphor for her raging libido and the condemnation of a woman’s sexuality in 18th century Europe. There’s also a creepy bit about incest but I’ll get to that shortly.

Note that Elsa’s powers are wintery powers. They are cold, and while I won’t go so far as to say that Elsa is sexually frigid being shut in a room for fifteen years probably doesn’t do wonders for a young woman’s confidence in her sexual prowess. Then again she could have spent the bulk of that time exploring her taught and supple body. I couldn’t say.

Elsa’s powers grow as she ages, progresses into puberty, and then explode once she is outed during her coronation. Anna, Elsa’s younger sister, sparks the event when she announces her intent to marry a prince named Hans whom she has just met which is something of a curious coincidence.

After living alone for years and only speaking to Anna every once in a while through a closed door Elsa has naturally developed an…interest in her sister. Knowing that incest is frowned upon Elsa attempts to hide her growing lust, as symbolized by the gloves she wears on her hands and the phrase she constantly repeats as a child, “Conceal it. Don’t feel it,” a thinly veiled reference to masturbation if there every was one.

Upon discovering that her sister Anna intends to marry the first man she has presumably ever spoken to outside of the palace, Elsa loses her shit in a jealous rage. She shows her icy powers i.e. her forbidden desire to bang her sister like a gong and runs off into the hinterlands. Whilst fleeing into the mountains Elsa “lets it go” in an orgiastic display of her power and channels her vast reservoir of untapped sexual energy that plunges the kingdom into winter while she creates an icy palace far away from home that is an obvious reference to her hymen.

For the lack of a “foot massager” the kingdom was lost.

The first to breach Elsa’s icy nether regions are Anna and her companion new found companion Kristoff, a Norwegian hick who shares “carrots” with his reindeer Sven when the two are all alone hauling ice in parts unknown.

Irritated by the intrusion of her sister who has paired up with yet another man Elsa inadvertently lets loose with a wintery blast that strikes Anna in the heart, a blow that will eventually cause her to freeze to death. In order to expel Anna and Kristoff from her special place Elsa creates a giant and bulbous headed snowman that clearly represents a dildo or a penis. I’m not sure which because I never made it into grad school. I did, however, spend the past night in a Holiday Inn.

Anna’s fiancée and a crew of troops are the next group to violate Elsa’s frigid pudenda. She responds by attacking them with the aforementioned penis snowman at her “gate” but a few troops slip in, intent upon striking this vile incestuous lesbian down for the good of the kingdom. In the midst of the attack Elsa is clipped by a falling chandelier, an ice chandelier of her own making that may or may not symbolize a clitoris, and rendered unconscious.

Meanwhile Anna and Kristoff race off to a haven of trolls to cure her from the icy blast she has received from her sister. After a quick and lively tune about how the two should settle for each other we discover that the only way that Anna can survive is through an act of true love.

To be honest at this point in the film I was hoping that Disney would reach out to the LGBT community and treat us to a deep soul kiss between Anna and Elsa. Unfortunately society isn’t “enlightened: enough to have small children watch two sisters engage in lesbian incest but that’s another topic for another time.

After consulting the trolls Anna and Kristoff hop on the back of Sven the reindeer with Olaf in tow and race off to find Hans, Anna’s presumed true love.

Elsa, incarcerated once again, blows up her prison cell in a flurry of unbridled icy “magic” and makes a run for the mountains again over the frozen fjords.

Upon coming home Anna realizes that her fiancé Hans, the 13th in line for the throne in his own kingdom, turns out to be a social climber and something of a douchbag. Once they are alone Hans announces his intention to let her freeze up like a virgin on prom night and do away with Elsa in order to obtain the thrown.

After dropping off Anna Kristoff becomes torn between living a life alone and humping a reindeer and slipping it to a member of his own species. Prompted by his reindeer Sven, whom is presumably tired of Kristoff’s advances, Kristoff races back to the castle to proclaim his love for Anna.

With the help of the ambulatory snowman Olaf, a symbol of the playful innocence the two sister’s shared before Elsa became enamored with her sister,  Anna escapes the castle and crosses the frozen fjord to meet Kristoff and save herself from her sister’s violent love.

In the meantime Hans tracks down Elsa and lets her believe that she has killed her sister Anna. Elsa stumbles to the ground in despair, Hans whips out his “sword” (a double metaphor for a penis and society’s intolerance of lesbian incest) to make a killing blow.

Upon seeing that her sister is in danger Anna uses the last of her strength before she turns into vagina ice and places herself between Hans’s “sword” and Elsa, an implicit approval of her acceptance of Elsa’s alternative lifestyle.

Hans’s “sword” shatters as Anna turns to ice, saving her sister through the very bonds of incest that caused the problems in the first place. Once she has seen that Anna accepts her deviant lifestyle and saved her life, Elsa throws herself upon her sister, thawing her and the kingdom (i.e. her vagina) in one shot and a resounding blow is struck for the LGBT community.

Hans is deported. Kristoff and Anna share a kiss. Elsa creates a skating rink to endear herself to the townsfolk who presumably look the other way as Anna, Kristoff, the reindeer Sven and Elsa engage in unconventional sex for the duration of their live and live happily ever after.


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