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Published on May 7th, 2014 | by Richard Black

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A Ten Year Anniversary, A Hearty Breakfast and Other Tips for A Long and Fruitful Marriage

I recently celebrated my 10 year wedding anniversary and more than a few people are asking how I’ve managed to stay married this long. Being a humble sort I skipped over my forgiving nature, stunning physique, affability and mumbled something trite about how it was a mutual effort or that communication was the key or something else inane.

Being an astute observer of the human condition I noticed that these banalities left my public somewhat dissatisfied and by public I mean the three or four people I come into contact in a somewhat regular basis.

It quickly became clear by their raucous laughter that what they really wanted to know was how in the hell my wife hasn’t left me after ten years; an altogether different question.

Like most of life’s great questions the answer is quite simple and unsatisfying to boot.  The answer is love of course but I can’t leave it at that. We’re all looking for a gimmick  these days and in the way that every centenarian espouses a shot of rail whiskey in the morning to his longevity or how he vivisects squirrels and staples them to the wall as a tired and true method for reaching old age I’ve found another sure fire method for keeping a spouse for ten years.

The secret is breakfast.

Through rain and snow and flu and rhinitis every morning for the past ten years I have fixed my wife breakfast. Sometimes it’s just a few pieces or toast or a bowl of cereal. Other times it’s a bit more elaborate; Eggs Benedicts, Lox with a nice mélange of melon, or occasionally an 18 ounce rib eye if the occasion calls.

The key is the orange juice.

My wife generally prefers frozen but concentrate will do in a pinch. No matter what I bring her in bed, to the table or on the way out the door I never forget to give her eight ounces of orange juice with at least 4 mg of Xanax, Xanax I have thoughtfully ground up and slipped into her morning beverage of choice.

It’s the simple things in life that really matter and those small gestures that mean the most. I should also mention sacrifice. I can’t forget about the sacrifice. Marriage is, after all, about sacrifice.

I don’t know of many men willing to feign a neurotic condition for over a decade in order procure pharmaceuticals to keep their wife in a marginally ambulatory state for the sake of their marriage but I’m proud to count myself as one of them.

I also like to think that Laura appreciates my efforts as well, when she’s able to speak more than four or five words at a stretch without drooling. She’s a sweetie at heart and if she’s able to read these words I just hope she knows how much I love her.

“I LOVE YOU BABY!!!

She always lets me know when I’m running low on Xanax God bless her.

“You know how crabby you can get without your pills,” she always says.

“You’re right as always dear,” I respond and nod my head as I call in for a refill and ask, “how would you like a fuzzy navel?”


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