Holding Forth

Published on December 16th, 2014 | by Richard Black

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Santa the Dirtbag, an Evenhanded Expose (apostrophe not included)

UF_121614_SantaGiftI’ve been thinking a lot about Santa Claus recently which shouldn’t be all that surprising.  I think about jolly fat men quite often to be honest. “Does he wear underwear? What do reindeer taste like? and “Just how does he remain in business by giving toys away?” are just a few of the questions I’ve had about the old guy.  It’s the last question that, perhaps thankfully, grabbed my attention.

And so in the spirit of investigation and the hope that I’d make quite a bit of money I brought my considerable intellectual powers to bear on the motivations of the man, the legend we call Santa Claus.

After a precursory amount of research I have concluded that Santa Claus is a monster of epic proportions.  He is a con artist of the highest order of magnitude and one who preys on the insecurities of parents and children alike in order to accumulate his massive wealth for a nefarious purpose as yet to be determined. I suspect it might have something to do with placing a Taco Bell in every corner of every street across the globe much in the same way Santa was the largest investor in Starbucks back in the early 1990’s.

Any other person who trespassed upon millions of homes in the guise of giving children gifts would be hunted down by the police, possibly beaten, charged with multiple felonies and sent away to a federal penitentiary to enjoy a rather short life of unconventional sex. Not however if that person is Santa Claus.

There’s a reason why he’s located in the North Pole and it’s not just because the weather’s really great for a big fat guy who seats a lot in more climate regions.  It’s impossible to extradite a criminal from the Arctic for starters and slave labor has yet to be abolished in the region.

UF_121614_DeliciousElf

He’s ornery but I’ll bet he’s delicious

The next time you find a cheaply made wooden top in your stocking think about the fact that an eight year old boy sewing insoles in Myanmar is working in better conditions and is better compensated than any of Santa’s elves. At least it’s warm in Myanmar. The North Pole is cold and a harsh climate for elves, historically known as a tropical peoples.

Unfortunately elves taste delicious and were almost hunted and sodomized into extinction by randy French trappers in what we now call Indonesia. The poor little guys didn’t stand a chance. It was either perish to a man or deal with the devil and they took the deal, exchanging protection for the enslavement of their entire species in perpetuity. Don’t get me wrong it was a shrewd business move on Santa’s and a necessary one as well.

Santa has to cut corners where he can. Giving out free toys isn’t exactly a viable long term economic model which brings us back to the question that sparked my interest in the subject: Just how does Santa remain financially solvent? Sure the slave labor helps out quite a bit but what about the raw materials for all the toys? What about the toys he has to buy?

Santa clear cuts a lot of old growth forest of course, quite a few toys are donated but he also has some other less savory methods for procuring goods and capital. Would you be surprised to discover that Santa does a brisk business in used cellphones and eye glasses? I would but I suspect that those boxes we’ve been dumping our old iphones and glasses in go directly to Santa who then sells them to the thrid world at a 200% or 300% markup. It’s a lucrative business but it pales in comparison to the cash he brings in from the sale of goods he’s obtained through outright theft.

Every year and in a flurry of good PR Santa leaves his enclave in the north to give all the good Christian children of the world a cheap handmade wooden toy, doll or stuffed occasional stuffed animal to a Native American that might or might not contain smallpox. But while he’s in your home Santa also takes something as well. Loose change, flash drives, maybe a pair of earbuds or an old ipod Nano. It’s usually something small, something a bit outdated that isn’t likely to be missed and is easily sold on the black market. He’s got other resources of course. Santa’s ear is always close to the ground when it comes to a good financial opportunity. Remember when old jeans were going for premium prices in the Soviet Union during the 1980’s? Santa cornered the market in used acid washed denim and made a killing.

UF_121614_BloodStocking

Made with love…AND BLOOD!!!!

He also does a brisk business selling donated socks to Bosnian women. It’s not a big revenue source. He takes his ten percent but receives and exclusive means of distribution in return once all those used stockings are sold back to Europeans and Americans as “stockings”. Quite frankly it’s brilliant. He’s not charging the end user yet for delivery but mark my words, at some point in the not too distant future we’ll be paying Saint Nick a hefty fee to deliver the goods or see our stockings emblazoned with advertisements for Viagra, hair weaves and hormone replacement therapy.

And what’s to stop him? The answer, quite frankly is nothing. When was the last time UPS or the Postal Service delivered a letter or a package to a sock?

The fact is that Santa has grown too large be stopped by just one government. A jolly fat man is almost impossible to indict in this day and age and it would take the concerted effort of many nations working in lockstep and orchestrated precision to bring this criminal to justice. A united group of nations if you will.

Sadly no such body exists and until it does one of histories greatest frauds will remain at large, unpunished and lauded by millions.

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