Health

Published on December 27th, 2014 | by Richard Black

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Portrait of a Father as a Portly M&M

UF_122714_FatDaddy

Me. According to my daughter and what I’d look like as a balding green M&M

So if you haven’t seen me for a while it turns out that this is what I look like, at least, this is what I look like according to my four year old daughter. I sat for Darcy while she composed the piece which took about five minutes and a considerable amount of patience on both our parts.

It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her try to faithfully render something from real life. She glanced from paper to subject and back again as she drew my spindly arms and legs, my rotund torso and finally my monstrous three fingered hands.

She even asked me a few questions.

“Daddy your hair is short right?”

“Yes sweetie.”

“You’ve also fat too.”

“The word is ‘big boned'”

“Be quiet Daddy. I’m working.”

To be honest I’m not entirely pleased with the result. There’s the big hole in the center of my body for starters and it looks like I’m trying to carrying a small M&M to term. The piece really doesn’t capture my joie de vivre but other than those minor details the portrait is pretty spot on.

Yes I’m green now and shame on you for noticing. That’s racist. How can you focus on someone’s color in this day and age? I’m kidding of course. One doesn’t usually see people who are green, at least not often. It’s a sad commentary on the state of affairs these days regarding race relations but I digress.

Being a stay at home father who is in more or less constant contact with a small child I have had the pleasure of contracting every bug that happens to be making the rounds. In the past year I’ve had the Flu, the common cold and something called Hand Foot and Mouth Disease. I’ve even caught Strep Throat twice in one year. Isn’t that something!

My healthy green pallor is the end result of the constant microbial assault on my gastrointestinal system and its inability to process solid or even liquid nourishment. The body however always adapts and I now meet all of my dietary needs through photosynthesis. The hue I’ve taken on is simply due to my skin cell’s use of chlorophyll which is green by the way for those of you who slept through eighth grade biology.

Don’t pity me. It could be worse. I could be yellow which is a truly unflattering color unless of course you’re Asian in which case it’s totally natural. As a Caucasian however I’ve never looked good in jaundice.

You may have also noticed that I look like a giant M&M. Thank you. It’s not as if I’m sensitive about my weight you heartless asshole. It might surprise you to know that my current physique is the result of years of dedicated effort. The fact is that I’m tired of walking. It’s terribly inefficient for starters and incredibly unhealthy as well. I figure I’ve got another 300 pounds to gain before I’m a perfect sphere and can roll anywhere I want to go, thereby saving my heart from the detrimental effects of placing one foot tirelessly in front of the other.

I’m sure that he’d thank me if he could. My heart that is. His name is Harry by the way. We don’t really talk per se but every once in a while he sends me these painful little jabs, usually when I’m eating my weight in pork rinds, just to keep me focused on the task at hand. Harry’s really quite a joker. The other day he stopped for almost a minute just to get my attention. Isn’t that hilarious? Still I know him pretty well and I think he could use a rest which is why I’m going to buy some weight gain supplements tomorrow.

Man my chest hurts. See! He’s even kidding me right now. I’ve even had to type this last sentence with one hand as my left hand is numb. What a card!

 

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