Unvacations

Published on May 10th, 2015 | by Richard Black

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Going Disney: Epilogue and 10 Things I’ve Learned from Vacationing in Disneyworld.

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The next best thing to going to Disneyworld is leaving Disneyworld and the road in between that place and home.

On the seventh day we went home. At least we began the drive back home. We ate breakfast and had a swim at the Wilderness Lodge pool. Darcy drank a few liters of chlorinated water while chugging around the pool. I saw a well endowed woman lunge to catch her son off a water slide and after watching her for a good twenty minutes, witnessed her breasts pop out of a bikini under severe duress. My wife noticed as well and instead of yelling at me we shared a less than discreet chuckle. It was, all in all, a most satisfactory morning and way to end the trip.

Once I had settled into the rhythm of the drive a few hours later and the asphalt was humming under the car’s tires I had some time to think about the high points of the vacation and what I’d learned through the experience. Laura was poking around on her phone and Darcy was conked out in the backseat. The engine was chewing up miles and I took the time to enjoy the road in between one place and another as we drove through northern Florida and take stock of the trip while I gave thanks for my many blessings; first and foremost being the fact that I did not live in northern Florida.

Being with my wife and sharing the experience of watching our daughter at Disneyworld was the highlight of the vacation, hands down. Darcy’s excitement, her animated hands as she told me about her visits with Cinderella, Elsa and Anna or her maniacal laughter on Splash Mountain were memories I wouldn’t trade for a vial on insulin if I were diabetic on death’s door. A soon to be five year old is a great age for a kid to visit the Magic Kingdom. Darcy was engaged, occasionally skeptical, but generally believed the that the experience was like being, and meeting, characters in a movie. Five years from now when I have an extra $5,000 and I’ve adopted a five year old I look forward to revisiting Disneyworld again.

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Seriously what’s up Aurora’s keyster. Given the size a the dress it could be a goat. Whatever it is I’m not a fan of my daughter being around it.

As far as what I’ve learned from this vacation is that fact that I can conduct myself in Epcot without consuming large amounts of alcohol. A few others are:

  1. MapQuest assumes most people drive 105 miles per hour and only stop once every 1,500 miles.
  1. I will pay fifteen dollars for a six pack of Budweiser from the hotel instead of making a ten minute drive off property.
  1. I would rather set myself on fire than work in any capacity at Disneyworld. On the other side of the coin most people in a hiring position at Disneyworld would rather set themselves on fire than hire me.
  1. The creepy guy sitting alone on a bench in Tomorrowland with a set of teeth that looks like it was bought at a the Dollar Store who asked how old my daughter was is someone I should have avoided and will be the reason I change the locks on my house.
  1. Buses as a means of transportation, particularly when coming back from Epcot at night, are a mobile riot and will bump one’s blood pressure up by at least forty points.
  1. Sleeping Beauty/Aurora appears to be normal until you request a picture with her at which point she looks to have discovered that Prince Charming has been using the “foot massager” at the same moment she has keystered said “foot massager” while posing for a picture.
  1. Never engage in a land war in Asia, especially in the China and Japan portions of Epcot. Everyone there is a native and presumably an active participant in MMA. Security also swarms like a motherfucker.
  1. I will always have an explosive gastrointestinal event when visiting Mexico in Epcot.
  1. Los Angeles and Epcot have a lot in common. Both are spread out, neither have shade and traffic is horrible. Instead of cars however the drunks are on foot, slightly more plentiful and a lot less fun to be around
  1. Epcot  is the worst place in the world and I would rather stretch out my scrotum with a pair of pliers and have a goat stomp on my balls than revisit the park.

As a side note I should mention that I am not being compensated by Disney or any Disney affiliate for this review. As always thank you for reading.

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