Published on May 20th, 2015 | by Richard Black0
Darcy’s Dictionary: 10 Words My Daughter Invented that Don’t Exist But Should
As a parent there are few events more gratifying than watching one’s child grow and master the world around her. I’m kidding of course. There are many occasions that are just as gratifying. Having a child move out of the home after finding a stable job comes to mind. Discovering that she can also provide you with a kidney is another.
Most pertinently however is the pleasure I garnish from watching my five year old increase her vocabulary and the occasional stumbles that occur along the way. If I were of a more insightful sort I would mention that her mispronunciations are a humbling reminder that we are all novices in some regard but I won’t.
I’m kind of an asshole.
I could correct my daughter but I don’t. These misunderstandings of hers are really just too cute and there’s only a limited amount of time that I’ll be able to hear her use them. I suppose that it’s my attempt to hold onto the last vestiges of Darcy’s childhood before she enters the full throttled hell of pre-adolescence. Granted that will be in six or seven years but I’m a planner and with any luck this small indulgence won’t horribly backfire and result in an eating disorder or a speech impediment for my daughter somewhere down the line.
And so without further ado here are a few of my favorite words from Darcy’s Dictionary, my interpretation of their meaning and then my daughter’s generally more correct version.
Baby Cheeses (bey-bee-cheezes) noun
1. small portions of a white, semi soft, Italian cheese, mozzarella also known as Bocconcini
Example: “Darcy do you want to eat the baby cheeses we bought? Here have a wafer and some wine to wash them down.”
2. two words that, when put together, sound suspiciously like the phrase “Baby Jesus” and are most often uttered in a negative manner in the presence of large groups of Christians.
Example: “Daddy I hate baby cheeses. I don’t want to eat baby cheeses.”
Butt (buht) noun
1. the end or extremity of anything,especially the thicker, larger, or blunt end considered as a bottom, base, or support. Slang. the buttocks.
Example: “Daddy I’m done pooping can you please wipe my butt.”
2. an area that incorporates the genitalia and the anus of a female under the age of five.
Example: “Daddy I wiped both of my butts from back to front.” Cue sigh from daddy and an anatomy lesson.
Cocited (Ko-sayh-tid) adjective
1.Stirred emotionally or agitated to such a degree that incorporates another person.
Example: “Darcy your mother and I will be very cocited when you stop chewing on your hair and licking our forehead when we are asleep.”
2. Stirred emotionally, agitated, most often by a task that is infuriating and painful to a parent.
Example: “Daddy I am so cocited that I can take off the shoes and pants of my Barbys’. I am not cocited when the vacuum cleaner eats them up after you yell and step on them.”
Crotches (kroch-es) noun, plural
1. an area of the body that is so fun to jump on that it must be pluralized.
Example: “It’s fun to jump on daddy’s crotches when he is sleeping on the couch.”
2. a staff or support to assist a lame or infirm person in walking.
Example: “Look mommy that man has a hurt foot and needs crotches to walk.”
Holy Clap (hoh-lee-klap) noun
1. a scourge or disease of a divine nature.
Example: “Before incurring His wrath the citizens of Sodom and Gomorrah were infected with the Holy Clap.”
2. inspiring fear, awe, or grave distress.
Example: “Holy Clap daddy that bitch cut you off.”
Lemolade (lem-uh-neyd) verb
1. simple past tense and past participle of lemolake, a mistake that may or may not involve incontinence.
Example: “Daddy I lemolade a mess in the kitchen.”
Lemolade (lem-uh-neyd) noun
2. a beverage consisting of lemon juice,sweetener,and water,sometimes carbonated.
Example: “This lemolade tastes like it was lemolaked.”
Medicared (med-i-kaird) verb.
1. to miss the open enrollment date to apply for Medicare.
Example: “That dude totally got Medicared.”
2. to tend to a wound or other injury that has already been tended too.
Example: “I need you to medicare the scab that I picked off and is bleeding.”
Pack Pack (pak-pak) noun
1. a piece of equipment,with an inner section that is exponentially larger than its outsided, esigned to be used while being carried on the back.
Example: “Darcy how did you put two American Girl dolls, fifteen cheese sticks, a toilet seat, and a bowling ball inside your pack pack?”
2. a piece of equipment designed to be used while being carried on the back that often contains something rotten on congealed.
Example: “The yogurt you gave me for lunch spilled all over the inside of my pack pack and is on my pony Twilight Sparkle, and my hair, and the carseat…”
Reglier (reg-lee-er) adjective
1. not quite usual or normal but not exactly unusual.
Example: “”Darcy did you put your bowl of macaroni and cheese in the sink when you were finished or did you put it in the reglier place under the couch?”
2. usual, normal, customary.
Example: “Daddy I didn’t poop in the reglier place because it was dark.”
Sealed (seeled) verb, past tense
1. to close by any form of fastening that must be broken before access can be gained.
Example: “Darcy I have sealed up your Barby dolls in a time capsule because I am tired of screaming when they roll out of my laptop bag.”
2. to make healthy,whole,or sound; restore to health;free from ailment.
Example: “The cut you medicared last night sealed up but then I scratched it open.”
This concludes my first, and perhaps only, version of Darcy’s Dictionary. I hope you can join me for my other thoughts on childhood, posted reglierly, right here.