Unfit Father

Published on September 3rd, 2015 | by Richard Black

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The “J” Word (Part III): The Interview Process

UF_OrangeSqueeze_090415

Yes they’re really that big. Not orange or quite as smushed and I’ve got two. But big that big.

I think it’s safe to say that I’d rather sit on my balls than interview for a job. I’m not saying I’d rather sit on my testicles a whole lot to avoid an interview but if the incidents were spaced out over a few days I could see myself squashing my nuts three or four times to get a job. An interview is pretty much the same thing when it’s all said and done. The only real difference is that someone else is applying the pressure.

I generally don’t like meeting people under the best of circumstances and I certainly don’t like answering a bunch of questions posed to specifically ferret out the numerous weaknesses that I’ve tried so hard to hide. Sometimes it’s hard not to think about answering these thinly veiled queries about my capabilities without a little sarcasm.

Where do I see myself in five years? Well it’s one o clock. I’m usually drinking by now and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to change.

Tell you a little bit about myself? I’m really into dolls. Not the creepy little ones kids play with. The full size ones.

How did I hear about the position? I was just looking for the restroom and your receptionist let me into your office.

I’m a great guy and I’d like to believe that my good looks, the calm assured manner with which I present myself and aura of stunning intelligence should entitle me to forgo the interview process. Instead of answering questions about where I want to be in the next five years or what my greatest weakness might be I’d prefer that my prospective employer just bask in the awe inspiring and benevolent glow that is me for a few minutes and then give me the job.

Unfortunately that has yet to happen and I’ll soon be entering into the demoralizing search for gainful employment. The key to successfully finding a job of lies in walking that fine line between truth and fiction. The whole process is based upon how far both parties can tenably stretch the reality without ending up in court.

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The more I look at this cucumber the more I realize that it’s probably a decent facsimile of my penis. Aside from the fact that mine doesn’t curve. Or have warts. Or have a healthy greenish tint.

“The position you’re applying for requires some long hours during our busy season. Would that be a problem?” Not at all. I thoroughly enjoy reading typo riddled copy that rambles on for the entire length of a page. If you enjoy what you do then it really isn’t work is it? (cue fake laughter).

What’s my biggest strength? I have a penis the size of a cucumber and I once smoked five packs of cigarettes in a single day.

My greatest weakness? I lie. A lot. I’m also a bit of a skank. Is that your wife in that picture?

Of course I never say these things. I tell my prospective employers that my biggest weakness is honesty, that my strengths include loyalty, an inquisitive nature, a desire to solve problems and see a project to completion.

Euphemisms, lies really, abound on either side of the desk during the hiring process.

“Busy season” is code for “we expect you to work seventy hours a week in perpetuity until you die or we find someone else to do it for less money.”

“Seeing a project to its completion” is simply another way of saying “I’ll harp and harass every member of my team to do the job they were hired to do and then, when they inevitably fuck it up, I’ll stay awake for 36 hours to do the work myself.”

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Put a book rack up on the side, maybe a drink cart and this would be my dream job. Using. Not inspecting.

“I’m a self starter” means “I can wake up and go to a soul sucking job every day for the foreseeable future.”

It’s the insincerity of the process that turns my stomach. On one end of the desk is a person looking for the most qualified candidate at the lowest cost. On the other side is a person who would say just about anything to get the job.

“I’ve often been intrigued by the nuances of treasury management.”

“Vaginal mesh is always something I’ve been passionate about.”

“Ever since I was a child I dreamed of becoming an the Quality Control Assistant Manager in Charge of Inspecting Toilets.”

These are sentences that no sane person would utter under any but the most dire of circumstances. The entire experience reminds me of “dating” in college. I assume that there’s less drinking involved but the only real difference is that twenty years ago I’d say just about anything to get into someone’s pants and now I’m trying to get into a cubicle.

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