Holding Forth

Published on November 23rd, 2015 | by Richard Black

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Fear and Loathing on the Holidays

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“An orange mom? Really? A FUCKING ORANGE?”

I used to like the Holidays, the magical time of year that incorporated Thanksgiving through Christmas. As a child it was the perfect length of time, just long enough to draw out the exquisite agony of anticipating Christmas yet short enough to keep my sister and I in a marginally paranoid state of good behavior enforced by the myth that a morbidly obese man with the power to invade our home was watching our every move.

Things, as I’m fond of saying, are different now. The “Holiday Season” now encompasses eleven weeks I’d rather spend taking part in a more rewarding activities like shaving feral cats or jamming my thumb in my eye. I’ve never considered converting to Judaism but I’m giving the matter some serious thought. Eight nights of celebration used to seem like quite a lot of work. Now the ordeal appears to be modest in comparison to the events I’m subjected to as an ostensible Christian.

Back in the day we used to be able to celebrate each holiday in its entirety. The real blessing of Christmas or Thanksgiving or even Halloween way back when was that each occasion only lasted a day. Now each is a week long affair at best and, at worst, a soul sucking lesson in why we’re obese and can’t have nice things in a capitalist society.

Halloween used to consist of one glorious evening with treats for the youngsters and vandalism and inhalants for the older kids. Now it’s a week long affair full of parties with enough sugar to render an elephant diabetic and something called “trunk or treating” created to save children from performing the exhausting activity of walking from house to house.

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St. Ignatius celebrated Thanksgiving by eating a human femur he often pronounced to be “most satisfactory.”

Christmas was generally regulated to the month of December the small portion of November after Thanksgiving. Now my most treasured of holidays, the giving of thanks and consumption of vast amounts of food and alcohol with friends and family who have the decency to leave before 6:00 in the evening, is nothing more than a twenty four hour pause between October 31st and December 25th.

I’ve given the issue some thought, not a lot, but some and I think I have a solution. Before that however I’d like to detail the horrors I’ve endured over holidays past and that haunt me to this day. It’s sure to be entertaining and, as an added benefit, my therapist thought it might be cathartic as well.  Please join me over the next few days and share this story with other malcontents.

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