Holding Forth

Published on December 8th, 2015 | by Richard Black

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A Plea for a New Holiday and 10 Traditions for a Happy HallowThanksChristmasKwanzaaCha

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Happy HallowThanksChristmasKwanzaaCha!!! from the most irrepressibly white family on the face of the earth.

Many people enjoy the Holidays and I’m, unfortunately, associated with quite a few of them. Many others however choose to take their lives during this time and it’s on their behalf that I make a plea for a new holiday. This most cherished of times will consolidate the horror and guilt and gluttony of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas and Kwanzaa into one unendurable, but relatively brief, three day weekend.

I’m joking of course I’m making a plea to compress this unholy time of year into the span of a weekend for the sake of my sanity, my marriage and my child. In an effort to be sensitive I’ve compiled a list of ten traditions that incorporate the beliefs of all faiths during this most trying of seasons as well as a few customs from my own family for good measure. Without further ado let’s take a look at this new, kinder, gentler and more compact holiday:

1. The Official Name of this new holiday will be HallowThanksChristmasKwanzaaCha but for brevity’s sake can be referred to as HTCKC (pronounced hitcock or hitcooch depending upon one’s sex).

2. The Official Dates will take place between October 29th, 30th and the 31st to commemorate the true spirit of the holiday. This will also shove back the shopping season into a more temperate time of year around August.

3. The Official Saying will be “Misery Loves Company”.

4. The Official Drink will be Red Bull and Rumple Minze seasoned with the tears of a five year old who has just been told that the puppy she was going to get has just been hit by a car. Everyone will be required to drink at least six every evening.

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Nothing says Happy HallowThanksChristmasKwanzaaCha or regret like six shots of Rumplemintz taken in rapid succession.

5. The Official Symbol will be a candelabra with three stems in recognition of the abbreviated event to be called a KinOrah in deference to its Jewish and African origins. The KinOrah, typically placed on the top of a Douglas Fir in deference to the outdated concept of Christmas will have three candles, the first of which will be black, the second of which will be white and the final that will consist of a color no one can quite determine but is generally agreed upon to look “Jewish”.

6. The Official Ceremony will be the lighting of the KinOrah that takes place at three in the morning to ensure that everyone is in the true spirit of the holiday. The first candle will be lit on the first day in recognition of white guilt. On the second day the second candle will also be lit in recognition of white guilt. The third and final candle will remain unlit.

7. The Official Mascot will be an anthropomorphized reindeer wearing a red yamaka with green silk tassel and a little cotton ball affixed to the end. His name is Uncle Chet! Instead of sliding down a chimney and leaving children with gifts he breaks in through a window and sniffs the bad children’s underwear. Everyone, according to Uncle Chet, is a bad child.

8. The Traditional Meal served on the last day after a 72 hour fast, will consist of a reindeer stuffed with a Turducken which, in turn will be stuffed with Almond Joys and Mounds candy bars. Appropriate side dishes for this brief season are lumpy mashed potatoes, undercooked oyster stuffing, lima beans and anything in aspic. All sides are to be overcooked by at least 20 minutes and presented in Jell-O mold form.

9. The Traditional Song will be “It’s Raining Men” played at 100 decibels in deference to Gay Christmas or the holiday that was previously known as Halloween. Other appropriate songs for the event are “True Colors”, the entire Indigo Girls collection and the venerable favorite “Y.M.C.A” sung by a transgendered Liberace impersonator.

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I hope you’re watching Uncle Chet children because Chet’s watching you!!!

10. The Official Sport of this day of days will be curling because curling is boring and during this time of year we should really be focusing on our families, discussing our feelings and bringing old grudges to light.

The rest of the particulars should be left up to people with the authority and know how, the chutzpa to get things of this magnitude done and the unbiased political savvy to make it happen. I’m spitballing here and I’ve just downed a couple Quaaludes so my judgment might not be up to my usual standards but I’m thinking Congress should play an integral part in the decision. They’ve always seemed like a capable bunch who are dedicated to the public good. Whomever takes part I’m sure they can get things taken care of in short order so we can get over this most upsetting of times and move on with our lives.

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