Holding Forth

Published on May 26th, 2016 | by Richard Black


Thoughts on Paring a Mango (Recipe Included!!!)


One of the many pleasures of paring a mango.

A father has no greater love for his daughter than when he is preparing a mango. I’m not sure who first cultivated the fruit but I suspect that they were, most likely, Satan worshipers or some other sadistic group  with a willfully sadistic bent like the DMV or the writers for Cooking Light magazine.

I have yet to come across any fruit more difficult to prepare than a mango and, in all honesty, have met nuns that were easier to get inside of. The mango’s thick skin is almost impervious to all but the keenest knife aside, of course, when approached from the other side in which case a dull spoon is sharp enough to puncture through the fruit as well as the hand behind it. To make the mango even less enticing it’s got an inedible pit that takes up a good fifty percent of the entire fruit. It is, to say the least, my most hated fruit.

As a species we’ve shown quite a bit of ingenuity when it comes to cultivating some pretty unlikely plants into foodstuffs but we’ve still got ways to go before I’ll ever cheerfully buy a mango. Sure they’re not outright detrimental to ones health but I’ll bet that mangoes place pretty highly on the hemophiliac’s list of things not to do. In a world in which we’ve tamed the potato and made okra moderately tolerable we still can’t make a mango with a pit smaller than a fucking baseball.

UF_WomanWithBloodyKnife_052516Apparently this is an endeavor that eludes modern science. We can create strawberries the size of bull testicles and an ungodly hybrid between cauliflower and broccoli (because, well, why not make a vegetable that’s completely inedible?) but not a mango that’s easy to pare.

I wouldn’t care that much but my daughter loves the damn things. She claims that they’re delicious but I really couldn’t say. I’ve never had one. By the time I’ve cut and sliced the fruit into bite sized chunks as well as a few fingers I’ve lost too much blood to do anything other than lie on the floor in a fetal position and call 911.

Of course when it’s prepared properly the average mango provides enough fruit to feed one or even two small mice. Being substantially larger than a rodent Darcy usually wants more than one mango and, because I’m a good father who loves his daughter, I somehow find the strength to haul myself off the kitchen floor and make her another.

Being the great all around guy I am I thought that you, dear readers, would want to have the same experience I do while paring a mango. After all I wouldn’t want to deprive your children, or you, from this treat. It’s become a family favorite and one I hope you enjoy as much as I do. Bon appetit!

UF_MangoChunks_052516Bloody Mango Chunks

1 Mango
2 Hands
1 Paring knife, sharpish
10 Fingers (not all will be used)
1 cup of blood (A Positive preferred)
1 X-Ray machine (optional)

1. Wash mango thoroughly to maximize the amount of slippery wet flesh you need to grip.

2. Pare both sides of the fruit (front or “thin” side facing forward) beginning a half inch to the side of the stem before cutting around the pit which has a thicker texture than the rest of the fruit. (If you are using an X Ray machine then you may turn it on now to take pictures of the pit for greater paring accuracy).

3. Remove the remaining sides/strips as well as the flesh from one index finger.

4. Score the smaller strips into bite-sized chunks before filleting the fruit from its skin as well as the flesh from your other index finger.

5. Score the larger two “halves” into pieces not greater than a half an inch square taking care to puncture your palms not more than fifteen times (much less if you are a hemophiliac).

6. Once each “half” of the mango as well as your palm has been properly scored place the remains of your fingers on the edge of the pared side of the fruit. Place your thumbs on the opposite and convex side of the mango (the one that unlike your fingers, still has its skin) and push to pop the flesh of the fruit out in a myopic semblance of a typical Soviet Era city block.


Life hack.  As a preemptive measure call 911 before preparing any mango for consumption.

7. Carefully remove the cubes of fruit with a knife and at least half of your remaining fingers.

8. Stir the melange of mango and blood until the mixture develops a slight reddish tinge.

9. Remove any human flesh from the bowl and, for a darker more vibrant color, mix the fruit with your bleeding hands.

10. After bandaging your fingers, wrists and arms plate, serve and enjoy while you wait for the ambulance to arrive.


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