Unfit Father

Published on August 18th, 2016 | by Richard Black

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Five Similarities Between Toddlers and Strippers

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This is the kind of stripper I was thinking of. What in the hell were you thinking?

I was cleaning Darcy’s room after her most recent playdate when I was overcome by the strangest sense of deja vu which, it turns out, is French for early onset Alzheimers.

A few metric tons of glitter adorned every horizontal surface. Random pieces of clothing were scattered about. The bathroom was left in a truly deplorable state and wads of toilet papers were covered the floor. Her piggy bank was broken and small bills lay about as if thrown in the air.

In the background a faulty karaoke machine was blaring something at around 500 decibels but strangely inaudible and the entire scene was cast in a lurid shade of red from one of Darcy’s nightlights.

I was on my third or fourth round of vacuuming the room when it clicked. The lighting, the horrible music, the clothes tossed around with wild abandon. The only props missing were twelve dollar beers, an ATM that charges $40.00 for a withdrawal and dense cloud of cigarette smoke.

My daughter’s room looked like the end of an after party at a poorly run strip club.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen a stripper in her natural habitat which is probably why it took me so long to have this minor epiphany. I don’t generally go out after seven in the evening and the only thought more depressing that visiting a strip club in the evening is visiting one during the daylight hours.

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Say you’ll remember me. Sitting in a polka dot dress. With a leather bustier…

It’s not that I’m against strip clubs by the way I just find them to be horribly degrading to men. The only rule more true than “Never date a stripper” is “Never date a dude who spends a lot of time in a strip club”. These are sad and tired and lonely men willing to shell out hundreds or thousands of dollars a night for a vicarious thrill without any shot at a payoff. Come to think of it that’s also true of fathers with toddlers so, really, who am I to judge?

Without further ado I give you the top five similarities between toddlers and strippers.

  1. Neither strippers nor toddlers appear to like clothes all that much. Maybe all strippers are toddlers at heart. Maybe all toddlers are strippers at heart. Maybe they both just suffer from poor impulse control. I couldn’t say. I’m not a doctor.
  1. Snuggling costs extra. My daughter won’t give me a hug unless I give her a Sour Patch Kid. Strangely enough the last time I received a lap dance the stripper demanded payment in Sour Patch Kids.
  1. Both strippers and toddlers have daddy issues. Both issues are, more than likely, biological although only one reports to a man who’s actual name is “Daddy”.
  1. It’s probably best not to date either a stripper or a toddler. I don’t think this needs any clarification or commentary.
  1. Both strippers and small children intend to go to college…someday, you know a few years down the road once they’ve put together a little money together.

…and there you have it. Straight from my brain to your eyeballs. There’s no need to thank me. Your kind thoughts and prayers for my salvation are enough.

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