Unfit Father

Published on September 1st, 2016 | by Richard Black

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Hanging a Quilt in Twenty Five Easy Steps

UF_Hammer_090116

If I had a hammer…

Not many people know that I do a bit of carpentry in my spare time which is probably because I don’t have much spare time or even manage to do a lot of carpentry.

Unfortunately my wife Laura and I purchased an older home just over a year ago and I’ve been required to test my abilities and my wife’s patience when it comes to my “handyness”. Even more unfortunate is that fact that our contractor was so bad at finishing things that I’ve considered buying his wife a “foot massager”.

The upshot of the whole mess is that I’ve had to perform quite a bit of the work myself. I’m referring of course to the work on my home and not my incompetent contractor’s wife. Over the course of the past year I’ve learned quite a bit about remodeling a home and have accomplished a few simple tasks like nailing my thumb to a wall, gluing my shoes to the floor or even spontaneously clogging the toilet.

Over time I’ve discovered that some projects are more enjoyable than others. Recently I’ve reacquainted my self with the joys of hanging pictures and quilts on plaster walls. Hanging pictures (or quilts) can be a remarkably satisfying experience if one happens to be a masochist. Without further ado here’s how to hang a quilt in 25 easy steps.

Tools
1 Drill (preferably from North Korea with odd sized bits)
1 Hammer
1 Tape Measure
1 Carton of Cigarettes
1 Pen
1 Plaster Trowel
1 Level
1 Knife
1 Curtain rod (with accompanying screws and dry wall anchors)
16 More Drywall Anchors
5 shots of high proof alcohol
1 Gallon of Gasoline
3 Tickets to Venezuela

Budget
$18,000

Time
Three Weeks to Four Years (depending upon one’s attorney)

Instructions

UF_cigarettes_090116

Home repair and maintenance provides an excellent opportunity to begin smoking.

  1. Determine the area to place your quilt. Ideally this will be a location on a wall. Use the tape measure to determine the center of the wall, mark it with the pen and note the center of your hanging. If you’ve measured correctly the quilt’s placement will coincide precisely with the exact opposite of the place where your spouse would like the quilt.
  1. After carefully measuring note the placement of the screws for the curtain rod and its supports. Drill the appropriate number of holes into the wall with your DPRK Super Special Happy Fun Work Time Drill using the smallest bit possible.
  1. Use your hammer to tap the drywall anchors, and one thumb, gently into place.
  1. Remove dry wall anchors when they don’t fit and jam into the lathe like a marshmallow in a coin slot.
  1. Use your North Korean Special Happy Fun Time Drill to create  four giant fucking holes in the wall.
  1. Have a drink. Relax and take a deep breath.
  1. Curse profusely. (Steps six and seven are interchangeable).
  1. Use hammer to pound remaining 12 dry wall anchors into the plaster with as much success as your earlier attempt.
  1. Repeat Steps 6 and 7.
  1. Drive to the local hardware store. Purchase plaster patch. Note the dent on your new car door after having parked by a rusted out El Camino.
  1. UF_Booze_090116

    Booze. Another accouterment integral to the success of any home repair project.

    Attempt to patch holes. Run out of plaster and anticipate the screaming shit fit your wife will have upon seeing four holes that are approximately the size of Luxembourg in the wall.

  1. Return to hardware store. Buy more plaster patch, plaster lattice and discover a new dent on the passenger side door after having parked by the same shit brown colored El Camino.
  1. Repeat steps 6 and 7.
  1. Open carton of cigarettes. Chain smoke 14.
  1. Forget sandpaper. Return to hardware store. Purchase $500 worth of sandpaper. Key the driver side door of the El Camino and kick it for good measure.
  1. Open another box of cigarettes after applying the rest of the plaster patch. Smoke ten and conclude that the plaster won’t dry by the time your wife comes home.
  1. Repeat steps 6, 7 and 14.
  1. Repeat steps 6, 7 and 14 (no this is not a typo).
  1. Forget to pick up daughter from school.
  1. Forget everyone’s name at your daughter’s school at pick up after they’ve tended to your child for fifteen minutes because you are half in the bag. Explain your addled condition by claiming that you were just mugged.
  1. Realize that even if your wife were to miss the four mastodon sized holes in the wall your daughter, whom has just shouted, “OHH MY GOSH MAMA IS GONNA BE REAL MAD”, will not and upon noticing said holes will immediately mention them to your wife.

    UF_HouseFire_090116

    Upon the completion of your project it’s important to take time to sit back and bask in the glow of a job well done.

  1. Pack essentials and hustle daughter back into the car.
  1. Liberally pour gasoline over the entire contents of your home.
  1. Take hammer and pound the ever loving shit out of the wall before setting your house on fire.
  1. Drive by wife’s office and surprise her with an impromptu family vacation to Venezuela.

…and there you have it, an easy set of instructions for hanging a quilt in 25 steps.  God bless you and goodnight.

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