Unfit Father

Published on October 31st, 2016 | by Richard Black


Handing Out Disappointment for Halloween



I always try to do something a little special for the kids on Halloween and this year I’m focusing on disappointment.

Instead of lollipops or chocolate or other sugary delights I’m thinking about handing out poems, literature and pithy statements. There’s something about the prospect of seeing those hopeful young faces reach into a bag and pulling out a quote from Ben Franklin instead of a full sized candy bar that really gets me into the spirit of the season. I suppose I could hand out raisins or apples or Tic Tacs and achieve a similar purpose. God knows kids these days could use more fiber in their diets as well as fresher breath but these concerns take a back seat to my primary motive.

Children these days don’t have enough to complain about. Life is disappointing and I can’t think of a better way to portray that idea than wrapping statements like “An investment in knowledge pays the best interest,” or “early to bed and early to rise…” around dog turds to get my point across

For the kids who want to stay around I’m setting up a piñata jammed full of stanzas from William Carlos William’s classic poem “The Red Wheelbarrow.”


So much depends on this red wheelbarrow.

so much depends

a red wheel

glazed with rain

beside the white

I’m even going to make it into a contest of sorts just to keep the children engaged. The winner, whom will receive an all expense paid trip to DisneyWarld*, will be the child who manages to put all four stanzas together in the correct order. Of course I won’t be providing the original piece as an example for the little tykes to follow. I might even toss in a few quotes from the film “A Clockwork Orange” to keep things interesting and if I’m really on the ball I’ll do it all in German.


…so that’s what a bell jar is.

For the older kids, the tweens, I’ll be handing out copies of “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath and “The Red Tent” by Anita Diamant. The woman I dated before I met my incredibly understanding wife was a huge fan of both works and used to buy me a copy of each one every few weeks in an attempt to explain how I was simply part of the oppressive misogynist machine and why she refused to eat bananas.

It was a confusing relationship and one that only made sense once I realized that the only thing we had in common was an affinity for tacos. The upshot is that I’ve got a few hundred copies of each book and, aside from donating them to the local Pentecostal church, I can’t think of a better use for them.

To round out the evening I’m toying with the idea of acting out the play “The Vagina Monologues” in the front yard but that seems like quite a lot of work. Instead I’ll probably just mail it in at the end of the night and hand out bottles of Robitussin accompanied with the following quote from Macbeth.

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing.

Have a happy and a healthy.

(DISCLAIMER DisneyWarld is not affiliated in any way with Disneyworld, Disneyland or Disney in any way and may or may not consist of a broken trampoline in owner’s backyard. By reading this text said owner is not responsible for injuries, stolen property or mopery).

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