Published on December 16th, 2016 | by Richard Black0
Ten Similarities Between Christmas and Sex
Christmas, much like an unwanted drunk in a bar at last call, is upon us. If I were more politically correct I’d insert the word “Holidays” in lieu of “Christmas” but I’m not. I celebrate Christmas and, as such, prefer to only offend those who do so as well.
Christmas is joyful time. It is a time for giving and receiving and one that, given the phrasing, bears an uncanny resemblance to sex. Sure we all like to dress up in an outfit and sit on someone’s lap from time to time but it turns out that there are many other similarities between humping and Christmas.
I was born in September and while my math skills aren’t what they used it would appear as if my old man put it to my mother somewhere around the 25th of December and I was the result. I’m not saying that I’m Jesus by the way because that’s for other people to decide and really aside from the point I’m trying to make.
There’s quite a bit about this most wonderful time of year that’s a lot like sex and frankly I’m a little surprised that no one has thought about it yet. Without further ado here are my “Ten Reasons Why Christmas is Like Sex.”
1. If it’s done right there’s usually a big mess to clean up.
2. Someone always cries.
3. It only happens once a year (refer to point number 2).
4. Sometimes you get to dress up as an elf and get spanked (maybe that’s just me).
5. There are never enough batteries.
6. There’s a lot of work involved for just a few moments of pleasure.
7. You’re always wondering if you should invite your in-laws (again maybe that’s just me).
8. Why are there so many tassels?
9. Someone always needs to be spanked.
10. Once it’s over you just want to go to sleep.
And there you have it. My complete list of how Christmas is like sex. You’re welcome by the way. Please feel free to leave your comments about how sex and Christmas are alike in the FB feed or wherever you find this and may God help us all.
This post would not have been possible without the dubious influences of the following malcontents:
They’re all a delightful bunch and I’d encourage you to follow them at your own peril.