Satire

Published on March 23rd, 2017 | by Richard Black

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Hair: A Eulogy

Friends and neighbors, family and acquaintances, welcome.

We are gathered here today not to mourn the loss of Richard Black’s hair but to celebrate its life. I have not always been Richard Black’s barber but, over the time I have been honored to cut his hair, I have learned a bit about the man.

Richard Black is a brave man and one I’ve come to admire. He has always been aware that this day may come and as the time grew closer we have discussed it more and more often.

Those who loved Richard and his hair have taken some time to share their stories with me. I can’t relate them all but I’d like to take some time to mention a few short anecdotes about the man we’re here to acknowledge and his once glorious mane of hair.

Cory, Richard’s best friend from middle school, who was unable to join us writes:

“Richard wore a damn mullet and tried to rock a tail for years. Stupid fag. I remember that we’d all try to sit behind him in class and yank that tail and call him fag. Sometimes he’d even cry. Man I miss those times.”

His mother related these touching words:

“Richard’s hair was always glorious. I remember it at one of its best times when he was thirteen and we were out for a short vacation during our regular spot on Lake Malaria right here in Missouri. It may have been the sun or the chemicals from the treatment plant but whatever it was his hair turned the most beautiful shade of silver. It also Of course that may have had something to do with his…well shortcoming if you know what I mean but his father was never all that well endowed so who can say?”

A friend from college writes:

“I used to pull tubes with Dicky back in the day and man that boy had some lungs. We’d all used to sit around and listen to some Widespread or some Dead if we were going classical. Dicky always used to flip his hair a lot too. Once he got so fucked up that…wait what was the question?”

Throughout our time together I’ve spoken to Richard about his thoughts on the inevitable passing of his hair. He willfully admits that he didn’t care for it appropriately or even wear it to his advantage for the bulk of his life and for that he would like to make amends.

Between the ages of four and ten Richard had a bowl haircut that made him look like, and I quote, “a goober”. He hit rock bottom shortly thereafter when getting a spike and a tail which, in all fairness, was the style at the time. Sadly Richard wore the look entirely too long as referenced by his good friend Cory. Later on he shaved his sides of his head and attempted to rock a Flock of Seagulls haircut which was also known as the Zach Morris well into high school. Upon entering college he discovered a stylized high and tight which, aside from a few minor variations, is the cut that he wore until this fateful hour.

During the time I’ve had to get to know Richard’s hair I’ve seen the thinning spot on the top of his head increase and expand. It has been heartbreaking to watch the desolation but throughout his struggle Richard has remained stoic. He has always known that this time would come to pass. From the first time I took my clippers to his head I was aware of his condition and he, for his part, made me vow that I would let him know when he should accept defeat.

That time, my friends, is now. If you will all please turn to the second page in the program we will sing “Oh Lord it is Well with My Soul” as I take these clippers and provide Richard with some measure of dignity for the remainder of his hairless life.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Let us begin…

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