Unfit Father

Published on June 15th, 2017 | by Richard Black


Father’s Day Wishes

Father’s day is coming up this Sunday and I’m a little ambivalent about the holiday. It’s not that I don’t like Father’s Day. I’m a fan of any day celebrating the wonderful human being I’ve become just maybe not in June. It’s timing however could have been thought out a bit better. The fact is that it can be pretty hot here in the Midwest during June. The heat index is already into the 100’s this week and while I’d love to go to the zoo or have a picnic with my family I sweat enough as it is.  IS it too much to ask to have the day land somewhere in October or maybe April.

Having Father’s Day on a Sunday is also a bit of a bummer. Why not on Saturday? Even better why not give all fathers a day off on Monday? Either way the extra day could be used to recover from a day spent making poor life decisions like day drinking, eating at dodgy looking food trucks, using power tools or some combination of all three. I really can’t think of anything more pleasant than spending the day after father’s day in a hospital room after some young go-getting surgeon has reattached my toe while I gear up for a good stomach pumping. Afterwards I might even have time for a nap.

Of course I won’t be spending the day after Father’s day in the hospital…probably. I’m also not going to be receiving any power tools for Father’s Day which is for the best. After giving myself a third degree burn while using our rice cooker the odds that my wife will gift me with a chainsaw or a weed wacker or even a regular saw are close to those of my wife letting me use our rice cooker anytime in the near future.

The fact is that I’m pretty content. I don’t want anything for Father’s Day in the way of material goods and the things I really want isn’t something anyone can give me.

I’d like to stop balding for starters but that’s never going to happen at least not before I’ve got a big shiny spot some third world country’s space program can see from orbit.

I’d like people to stop using the work “chillaxing”. One is either “chillin’” or relaxing’”. “Chillaxin'” is redundant. You don’t do both and also it’s 2017 for fuck’s sake!!! People please MOVE ON and while I’m at it the “t” in “often” isn’t supposed to be pronounced.

These are unrealistic expectations and I’ve made my peace with that sad fact. To make matters worse even my more reasonable requests will go unfulfilled. Really the only thing I want for Father’s Day this year is to sleep in or even take a long nap. I think it would be nice to catch up on all of the rest I’ve lost since my daughter was an infant or in preparation for all of the sleep I’ll lose when she becomes a teenager.

Sadly even this meager request will go unfulfilled. Instead of taking a nap or I’ll be attending a funeral. It could be worse. I suppose I could be the guy going into the ground but I’d be lying if I wasn’t just the smallest bit jealous. Sure he’s probably looked better but I’ll be that a casket is pretty comfy. Even better he won’t ever have to hear someone say “chillaxing” or worry about balding ever again.

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