Unfit Father

Published on August 10th, 2017 | by Richard Black

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Fifteen Minutes

My wife likes to call me from her office to let me know that she’s leaving. More often than not I also get a call about fifteen minutes later because she likes to let me know that she’s actually left the office and on her way home. It’s also not all that unusual for me to get another call from Laura when she’s really actually on the road.

I used to get upset about these updates but I’ve learned to take them with a grain of salt. I’m not much of a phone person and my wife…well when they develop a procedure to have an iPhone welded to someone’s head Laura’s going to be first in line.

Me well…not so much. The only phone I really want is one that doesn’t ring. Being a positive sort of happy go lucky guy however I’ve found the upside to these calls.  They give me a heads up that my wife might be home before midnight and a much needed prompt to do all of the things around the house that I haven’t done during the rest of the day. It turns out I can do quite a lot in “fifteen minutes”. Here are just a few examples:

  1. I can cook a frozen pizza in fifteen minutes.
  2. I can cook a frozen pizza in fifteen minutes AND throw all of my daughter’s toys in her closet.
  3. I can cook a frozen pizza AND throw all of my daughter’s toys in her closet AND get a cardio workout going up and down the stairs fifty times.
  4. I can cook a frozen pizza AND throw all of my daughter’s toys in her closet AND get a cardio workout going up and down the stairs fifty times AND dry heave for five minutes afterwards.
  5. I can think about going to the gym that I’ve had a membership to for the past nine years, have attended exactly four times and order a pizza.
  6. I can take a nap for ten minutes, fall into REM sleep on the couch and then be rudely awakened by my daughter announcing that “mommy is in the driveway and ON HER PHONE!!!” before prepping the oven to cook a pizza.
  7. I can have sex with my wife and cook a ten minute pizza provided my wife wants to have phone sex while she’s driving and is willing to eat a soggy pizza.
  8. I can have sex with myself and make a pizza in fourteen minutes.
  9. I can take a nap and pretend that our house was robbed instead of cleaning it up by the time my wife comes home in which case we just go out for pizza.
  10. I can write a piece about the things I could be doing before my wife comes home in fifteen minutes.

And there you have it. Good night and God bless.


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