Satire

Published on November 16th, 2017 | by Richard Black

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Crushing the One Mile Fun Run

“Hello I’m Robyn Castellante reporting live for KSTD at the Green Groves One Mile Fun Run for the American Lung Association. Despite the rain there’s been a good turnout. I’m speaking with Richard Black who just took part in the Kindergarten through third grade portion of the event.”

“Thanks Robyn it’s great to be here and before I comment I’d just like to thank Jesus and my wife Laura for her support. This one’s for us baby. This one’s for us.”

“Are you…smoking Mr. Black?”

“Yeah I figure God helps those who helps themselves and I wanted to do something positive for the kids and the community and myself too and man I really needed a smoke after that run.”

“So how was the competition out there Richard?”

“Pretty rough. I don’t know if you know this but I’ve been running this race every year since my daughter has been in Kindergarten and I’ve fucking crushed it every fucking time. First place three years in a row.”

“That’s…great Mr. Black…did the cause raise a decent amount of money for The American Lung Association?”

“The fuck if I know Robyn. I’m just out here to win. There’s a lot of competition out there.”

“With the parents?”

“No Robyn with the kids. The parents are all forty or fifty pounds overweight and I can take them. It’s the kids Robyn. Those damn kids are faster than hell.”

“That’s what it’s all about right? The kids and…are you, are you drinking Mr. Black?”

“I keep a flask on me during these short runs to keep up my strength and you’re right it’s all about these damn kids. I’m getting older after all and they just keep getting faster. That first grader Casey is one to keep an eye on. She’s a fucking gazelle. It was a tough race but I edged her out at the end.”

“Is that the seven year old you clipped with your elbow at the finish line?”

“Cut that judgmental tone Robyn. I ran a clean race and I’m gunning for the 5K next year. It’s going to be tough but I think I can do it.”

“You think you can win a 5K against a second grader?”

“She’ll be in third grade by then Robyn keep up and fuck yeah I can. Fuck yeah I can. The key is the training. I’m running a mile or so every week and just between you and me I’ve also been blood doping. I know this guy in the city who’s been giving me transfusions and beside that I like to get in their minds.”

“The children?”

“Yeah Robyn aren’t you listening? It’s a mind game and you’ve got to use every advantage. Sure I’m bigger and stronger than all these kids but they’re so damn fast. It’s all about the competition. I had to eyeball that Casey for two minutes until she backed down at the start line.”

“…and thanks for commenting Mr. Black. I’m Robyn Castellante…”

“That Evan kid has potential too Robyn but I’m the best. I’ve been the best and won this race for the last three years and I’ll do it again. Evan if you hear this I want you to know that I’m gunning for you at the 5K next year. I’m watching you dude. I’m watching you.”

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