Satire

Published on December 15th, 2017 | by Richard Black

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Christmas Shopping For Your Wife in Five Easy Steps

You know what time it is…boy.

The Holidays can be a stressful time of year and, as the shopping days to Christmas wind down, it can be tough to find a gift for the one you love. Women are complex creatures and, let’s face it, men aren’t always the best when it comes to gift giving.

I’m no expert when it comes to relationships but I have been married for more than a decade and, during that time, I’ve learned a few things about the fairer sex. It hasn’t always been easy. I’ve made a few mistakes but over the years I’ve discovered five guidelines for buying that special someone in your life the perfect Christmas gift.

Size Matters
Most of us are on a budget and the ladies like a man who’s frugal. When purchasing jewelry you don’t have to break the bank on a pair of diamond earrings or a tennis bracelet. Instead pick up an affordable necklace with an oversized pendant like that clock Flava Flav used to wear. Chunky jewelry is back in and, as a bonus, she won’t have to reach for her phone to know “what time it is”.

Go Big or Go Home…in the Bedroom
Buying lingerie for a woman can be a dicey proposition. A woman’s body changes over time and women can be quite sensitive about their figures. In order to make your special someone feel more comfortable with her body buy a negligee that’s at least two sizes too big. In addition to making her feel petite oversized lingerie will have the added bonus of being easier to remove when she “thanks” you later.

Women Like to Be Cared For
If I’ve learned anything over the past fifteen years it’s that women like to be cared for. Perfumes and expensive body lotions are nice but they’re also such a cliché. Instead of sending your spouse to a spa or an overpriced resort buy her a canned ham or a nice piece of veal. Beware however. Despite the care and thought you’ve put into this gift your significant other she might think that you’re not concerned about her health. To alleviate her worries be certain to pick up a Bar Method home workout series or, if she’s into the classics, a Sweatin’ to the Oldies DVD box set.

Women Like a Little Mystery
A little mystery provides the spice necessary for a good marriage and particularly so during the holidays. Write your boss an erotic poem and “accidentally” send it to your wife this Christmas. Find a few pairs of her sister’s underwear and “hide” them in your special someone’s unmentionables drawer. Cultivate an obscure fetish and be coy about how you’ve developed a taste for excessive ear hair or body odor. Whichever approach you take it will be certain to add…a little something special to the holiday and your marriage.

Women Love Surprises
Buy a dinner gong and wake her up with it on Christmas morning. Rearrange the furniture in your living room and paint the walls in festive red and white stripes. Invite your parents to live with you during their retirement. Buy a jack-in-the-box with “foot massager” inside instead of a doll. The only limit to the ways you can surprise your spouse is your imagination so get to it. There aren’t many shopping days left.

 

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