Unfit Father

Published on January 4th, 2018 | by Richard Black

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RIP Twinkle, Our Elf on the Shelf

It is with some sadness that I announce the passing of our Elf on the Shelf Twinkle Sapphire Sparkle Moonbeam. Christmas can be a stressful time of year and it’s even more so for Santa’s little helpers. Being an Elf on the Shelf isn’t an easy calling. The hours are tough, the commute is even worse, and a diet that consists of nothing but processed sugar can wear on even the hardiest of souls.

Twinkle Sapphire Sparkle Moonbeam was a good Elf on the Shelf but the job began to take its inevitable toll. Looking back the signs were clear but neither my wife understand what they meant. We were just too busy.

Twinkle’s decline began in typical fashion. During her first year with us Twinkle began to have a drink of schnapps on her off hours to unwind. The closer we came to Christmas however one peppermint schnapps turned into two and then two into seventeen and around the time the 25th came around Twinkle started to hit the Rumple Minze pretty hard.

100 proof schnapps became a gateway drug for Twinkle and, as the years passed, her behavior become more and more erratic. Laura and I would find odd bits of tinsel in the toilet, our dog woke up with a candy cane in her rectum, some jewelry went missing, and we’d notice the odd spliff lying around.

Twinkle’s interests and friends changed as well. Instead of the wholesome girls in Pixie Hollow like Tinkerbell and Rosetta our Elf on the Shelf began hanging out with a rowdier crowd. Barbie seems pretty tame but she has her needs and apparently what Ken doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him. The Monster High crowd followed shortly thereafter but taste and propriety forbid me from commenting on what occurred.

Towards the end Twinkle broke off contact with most of her friends and began abusing hard drugs in earnest. Even worse she gave up on any pretense of doing her job and my wife and I had to pick up the slack. It’s not easy putting an Elf on the Shelf in a new and innovative place during the Holiday season. The situation becomes even tougher when you wake up in the morning and find your Elf on the Shelf doing lines of coke in the kitchen.

It was the beginning of the end.

My wife Laura and I did our best. We wrote a letter to Santa to give him a heads up on Twinkle’s behavior. I spent an exhausting five minutes searching online for an Elf on the Shelf suicide hotline number. Despite our efforts Twinkle became more dependent on drugs and alcohol and eventually succumbed to her disease a few days before Christmas. In many ways it was her final gift to us.

To honor her memory and spare others this horrible tragedy during the Holidays we have delayed the announcement of her passing until the new year. Twinkle Sapphire Sparkle Moonbeam leaves behind more than seven hundred million brothers and sisters. As she had no reproductive organs she had no children. She was 284.

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